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Amanda Bynes Is In a Cult, Kanye West and Kris Jenner Both Have Boyfriends, Scott Disick Isn’t Mason’s Father + More in This Week’s Tabloids

The tabloids made us drool over Channing Tatum and wonder if the Kardashians are sharing boyfriends.
Life & Style, Star, In Touch, Us Weekly, National Enquirer

We read Us Weekly, National Enquirer, Star, Life & Style and In Touch this week, and we did it for you. So you can take that off your calendar. You’re welcome.

Here’s what we learned: Channing and Jenna are ready for their baby, Kris Jenner was caught making out with her money, Paris Jackson knows Billie Jean was not Michael’s lover (and a smooth criminal could be her dad), the sky isn’t falling but Katie Holmes’ weight is, Kanye West is gay, Amanda Bynes has a secret cult where twerking is a sacred dance — and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.


Us Weekly

 
 
 
Us Weekly
Us Weekly

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan are ready for their baby. Of course, the dreamy dream dad has doted on his baby mama every step of the way. As he would. And that’s pretty much as far as we got because – gurgle – pics of Channing Tatum.

Maybe we can convince him that to be a good father he needs to pose in various states of undress more often. And tell him that his kid would want him to do another ‘Magic Mike’ movie.

Denise Richards has stepped in and is saving Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s kids. Okay, she didn’t Heidi Klum them out of a riptide or anything, but she IS going to Angelina Jolie those poor kids right out of their disastrous parenting situation. (Joking aside, mad props to the woman for stepping up.)

Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder have had a sad split and Us Weekly knows why they broke up. Apparently – and this might shock you – the ‘Vampire Diaries’ costars didn’t want to date each other anymore. Yeah, that'll do it. Also, if you didn't before, you know who they are now. Break-ups are good for that too.

In a bit of fun that should get top billing but didn’t, Hollywood has some real-life mean girls. Madonna iced Gwyneth Paltrow – not in a mafioso kind of way, but in a "Madonna has never been a particularly nice person" kind of way. We'd say a televised Jello wrestling match is in order, but since Jello is a sugary processed food, it might very well kill Gwynnie on contact.

National Enquirer

 
 
 
National Enquirer
National Enquirer

This week, the National Enquirer takes us inside the Cleveland kidnap victims’ house of horrors. Exclamation point. They have deftly uncovered torture, punishment, mind control and all kinds of other sensational, frightening things that will make you want to buy their magazine and read it. They even have an exclusive interview with the kidnapper’s best friend, who tells all. In italics.

As is often the case, the Enquirer wins the prize for most nauseating capitalization off of a truly tragic occurrence. So, uh, bravo?

And speaking of nauseating and tragic, a 300-pound O.J. says, “I’m fat and ugly, but women still love me!” Which is weird because usually a guy needs money to make that statement true.

Kris Jenner, the half-naked Kardashian mom, was caught kissing a hunk. They don’t say a hunk of what, but we believe – based on her lifestyle – it must have been a hunk of money. As in, she was most likely rolling around in the buff in her giant Scrooge McDuck pile of money and started making out with a big hunk of it. (Just prior, she told her kids she was going to visit her happy place.)

Star

 
 
 
Star
Star

Kardashian money might also be why Kourtney has confessed to perma-boyfriend Scott Disick, “Mason’s not your son.” Her ex-lover – who just happens to look very similar to Disick – is convinced that he’s the dad and his bombshell new evidence has forced Kourtney to come clean. The photos are very telling: Both the ex-lover and young Mason looked like toddlers when they were 2 years old.

A wasted Tiger Woods has humiliated Lindsey Vonn. Not only did he drink too much the last time they went out, he had the audacity to be photographed with his eyes wide open in a crazed expression. He also spent the entire date talking endlessly in slurred speech about golf, which had to be insufferable. But hey, it beats him forgetting he has a real girlfriend now and asking what her hourly rate is.

In a Jackson family shocker, daughter Paris has found her real dad. In a bit of astute sleuthing, she knew that Billie Jean was not Michael’s lover. She also knew that while the conception experience was probably a thriller, Michael told most willing partners to beat it. Finally, she narrowed it down to the man in the mirror and a smooth criminal. From there it was a matter of looking at it in black and white and figuring out who was bad enough to be her dad.

(SORRY NOT SORRY)

In the matter of Nick Lachey versus Jessica Simpson, Nick is spilling all of Jessica’s dirty secrets. The most shocking of which is that Simpson is actually quite smart – like Mayim Bialik, Danica McKellar smart – and she’s just waiting for the perfect moment to punk us all. We're expecting her to join forces with living performance art project Amanda Bynes, who will finally confess she's not crazy at all and then join Jess for a tour they'll dub 'Smart and Sane 2: Electric Boogaloo.'

Life & Style

 
 
 
Life & Style
Life & Style

Get under something sturdy, because Katie Holmes’ weight is plummeting. The poor dear is skin and bones. Apparently, after a year of peace, Katie’s life has been thrown into turmoil as Tom Cruise returns for daughter Suri. And, apparently, all the food in the house.

A mortified Kanye West has now asked the world “What have I done?” To which the world replied, “Are you just repeating everything we’re asking you? Because that’s annoying.”

In their never ending tabloid cover relationship drama, Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert have separated. Or they have become separate people. It’s hard to tell. It’s something new and different – but pretty much the same – every week with Tabloid Them, so we’re thinking it’s the separate people thing. The two-headed, country singing creature that was Blakanda has now become two separate people! Eeeeeee!

Hopefully, that’s not how they reproduce, or there will be 16 of them by the end of the week. But they'll be able to set up playdates with all the imaginary twins and triplets the tabloids keep trying to put in Jennifer Aniston, so there's that.

There are other women in Hollywood, besides Katie Holmes, who are stressed and scary skinny. Starlets like Kate, Heidi, Angelina, Keira and Rachel are looking skeletal because – according to the diagnosis of non-medically trained Life & Style – they are refusing to eat, starving to be sexy, struggling to do it all, wasting away or having careers in crisis. We don’t know what’s going on with their health, but seeing their ribs in the photos did make us hungry for barbecue.

In Touch

 
 
 
In Touch
In Touch

Oh look, it's another cover about the Kim Kardashian's alter ego Pregnant Kim. This time her worst fear has come true. He’s gay. The “he” being her baby’s father. PK has been humiliated by rumors that Kanye West has a secret boyfriend in Paris -- but it’s possible that he’s been seeing Paris Hilton and everyone misunderstood “in Paris.”

Or maybe not, because InTouch has a photo that could be a pic of Kanye’s alleged lover and he looks suspiciously like Kourtney’s former lover, so the whole family might just be trading boyfriends now.

This is unbelievable – because she seems incapable of organizing much of anything – but Amanda Bynes has a secret cult. Members are forced to make themselves look like raving lunatics while driving erratically, getting their nails done in the middle of the night and twerking at the gym. And the cult member with the most selfies posted on Twitter automatically goes to heaven.

It wouldn’t be ‘Real Housewives’ without the drama. In fact, it would just be ‘Boring Rich Women Have a Lot of Cosmetic Surgery.’ That’s why RHoA’s NeNe Leakes has crossed RH location lines to declare war on Brandi Glanville of RHoBH. She has released a battalion of sassy drones, but apparently, silicon doesn’t show up on radar, so they’re having a hard time locating any member of the ‘Housewives’ casts.

In other celebs-at-war news, it’s January Jones versus Miley Cyrus in a classic showdown over Liam Hemsworth. The two have agreed to meet in the middle of Mulholland Drive at high noon – which means something totally different in Hollywood – and see who’s the quickest draw. This means that the starlet who can get the most paparazzi to show up and start taking photos of her while she asks them to please leave her alone wins a chance to make Liam Hemsworth wish he had never left Australia.

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