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Justin Bieber the Intended Victim of an Incredibly Twisted Kill + Castrate Plot

Justin Bieber, Mark Staake, Tanner Ruane
Ben Rose, Getty Images / Booking Photos

Deep in the heart of New Mexico, a convicted murderer was making plans to kill and castrate Justin Bieber — until the guy had a change of heart.

Weird, but not so weird that it couldn’t become a Lifetime movie.

Dana Martin is currently in prison and serving a couple life sentences for raping and killing a 15-year-old girl in Vermont back in 2000, and apparently he uses all that free time to concoct elaborate plans to kill tween heartthrobs.

Martin elicited the help of fellow inmate Mark Staake, and the duo planned to hatch the evil plot once Staake was released. Staake’s nephew Tanner Ruane was also brought in on the bizarre plan, and the two of them intended to kidnap and kill Justin last month when he performed at Madison Square Garden.

That is until Martin went to police and ‘fessed up to the plot, adding that both Bieber and his bodyguard would’ve died by strangulation with paisley ties – which just so happens to be his Martin’s calling card.

Paisley? How very 1990. It’s all about the plaid these days.

Anyway, after the Biebs was dead, Ruane was going to castrate him. And yes, we know there are like a million easy jokes here (“Wait, Justin Bieber has balls?”) but everyone knows if you want a guy to suffer, you cut off his junk while he’s still alive. Don’t they show reruns of ‘Law & Order: SVU’ in prisons?

And it gets even weirder, because Bieber wasn’t a random target — Martin has a tattoo of him on his leg. Seriously. Which means maybe he had big plans for Justin’s boyparts after securing them.

Earrings? A keychain? Maybe a charm bracelet? Who knows. But whatever it was, one can only assume that even Buffalo Bill from ‘Silence of the Lambs’ would be all, “Duuuude. Twisted.”

Staake was arrested after Martin confessed, and Ruane was captured in New York before he could put the pruning shears they found on him to good use.

In a statement, Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun told Us Weekly, “We take every precaution to protect and insure [sic] the safety of Justin and his fans.”

And, we assume, their various genitalia.

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