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Study Shows Squeezing Boobs Cures Breast Cancer — In Other News, Life Rules

Squeezing Breasts
Justin Sullivan, Getty Images

According to a recent study, Mr. Ron Jeremy is a regular cancer-fighting hero.

Scientist say that it is possible to shock cancer cells back into a normal growth pattern by simply showing a women’s breasts some love and applying some pressure to them. Yes, using two hands is recommended.

While we probably wont see a hospital ward full of men playing with women’s boobs as an alternative means for treatment any time soon, researchers believe that their latest findings could lead to new ways to fight breast cancer. “People have known for centuries that physical force can influence our bodies,” said Gautham Venugopalan, head of the research team at the University of California.

Researchers say that in laboratory experiments they were able to literally squash malignant cells and eventually reverted them back to normal function. They found that squeezing breast tissue actually kept the cancerous cells from growing, while cancer continued to grow in breasts where no pressure was applied.

So, this is great news — for breast owners and boob lovers alike! Dirty old men of the world rejoice —  you have the power to play a part in the fight against breast cancer.

Keep fighting the good fight, Ron:

Rob Jeremy AVN
Getty Images

Also, we can’t help but wonder if this theory works against penis cancer, as well?

Next: The Real Santa Got a Lap Dance This Week

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