What the Tabloids Taught Us While Waiting In Line This Week
Even in a new year, avoiding the express line has its privileges.
National Enquirer
National Enquirer
- Hillary Clinton is involved in a brain cancer drama. As opposed to a brain cancer comedy. Those are almost never funny.
- There's shocking evidence proving Whitney Houston was murdered. Someone found a glove that didn’t fit O.J. Simpson at the scene.
- Katie Holmes raged at Tom Cruise, yelling, “You make me sick!” He didn't make matters better when he offered to call Dr. Xenu for a prescription.
- The Connecticut school shooting nutjob was obsessed with Taylor Swift. Proving you really would have to be crazy to be obsessed with Taylor Swift.
Us Weekly
Us Weekly
- Something tore Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy apart. Most likely the need to keep up with the Kardashians in the tabloid cover race.
- The best celebrity events of 2012 are revealed. Technically, they're the same events from 2011, just with different names in the headlines.
- In her side of the story, Emily Maynard says she was fooled by Jef Holm’s lies. People on reality shows lie? UNPOSSIBLE.
- Kevin Federline’s brother says he’s the father of Britney Spears’ son Sean Preston. The tale was later found to be a hoax, but why let the truth get in the way of a great story?
In Touch
In Touch
- A secret girlfriend has wild nights with Tom Cruise. During which she always wears a beard.
- Jennifer Lopez’ dancer boyfriend is set to propose. Seems awfully quick. He hasn’t even had the chance to make a really bad movie with her yet.
- Khloe Kardashian-Odom has been trapped by Lamar Odom. Sources close to the couple say he’s got her by the Spanx.
- Ice and Coco's marriage is in trouble. That can't be. They're under contract for another season.
Globe
Globe
- A dying queen made William king. Inside sources say the gay community has some strange rituals.
- Louis Armstrong has a secret daughter, revealed 41 years after his death. Apparently, at least once, it was a wonderful world for Armstrong indeed.
- Find out where 22 former hunks and honeys are now. Because even washed-up celebs deserve to be stalked.
Life & Style
Life & Style
- Kourtney Kardashian has revealed how she got her body back. Kris Jenner was holding it hostage until Kourtney signed on for another year of reality shows.
- Bethenny Frankel made a sacrifice for her daughter. Grass skirts and chicken bones were involved. It's really best you don't know more.
- John Mayer is texting Emily Maynard. A source close to the singer says he can smell a female on the rebound from 2000 miles away.
- Prince William and Kate Middleton have been having a baby battle with the Queen. Royal experts agree that while it is traditional, using small children as pawns in family politics is not the healthiest way to handle issues.
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