Etsy/Naughty Betty, Inc./treat.com
Considering that all Pops probably wants this Father’s Day is some darned peace and quiet around here, it’s silly that tradition dictates we mark this Hallmark holiday with any kind of memento — let alone one of the following, unfortunately worded greeting cards. Each expresses the kind of strange sentiment that’s guaranteed to raise an eyebrow, make Mom blush, or even cause World War III to erupt over the kitchen table. (Note: some cards are a bit NSFW.)
Considering that all Pops probably wants this Father’s Day is some darned peace and quiet around here, it’s silly that tradition dictates we mark this Hallmark holiday with any kind of memento — let alone one of the following, unfortunately worded greeting cards. Each expresses the kind of strange sentiment that’s guaranteed to raise an eyebrow, make Mom blush, or even cause World War III to erupt over the kitchen table.
At the risk of sounding prudish, exalting that ghetto-fabulous phenomenon known as the “baby daddy” in greeting-card form strikes us as a bit too… as-seen-on-Judge Judy-ish? Besides which, a baby daddy is still 100% a father, even if he’s not married to you, and this is Father’s Day — not “My ‘Favorite’ Ex Day.” Anyone who gives this card is just asking for “baby mama drama.”
“Dad I’d Like to F***” card
If you are Stifler’s Mom
from ‘American Pie,’ and you’ve finally worked through all your cougar issues, then congratulations — you of all people deserve to give this card to the age-appropriate male of your choice, as wanting to sleep with someone’s father still counts as a big step up from doing high school dudes. Otherwise… GAHHHHHH
“Happy F’ing Father’s Day” card
The seller of this card describes its tone as “sarcastic,” but let’s call a poison-tipped spade a poison-tipped spade: This is full-on passive-aggressiveness right here. Make sure you’ve scouted out a spot where you can duck for cover (perhaps your old bedroom?) immediately after handing this to Dad.
“Your Swimmers Are Winners” card
Telling Dad that the best thing about him is his high-quality, successful-person-producing sperm — that’s what they call a humblebrag, isn’t it?
We all may love our dads, adore our dads, admire our dads — but that doesn’t mean any one of us should ever be willing to admit that Dad brought us into this world by actually having intercourse with Mom. BLARGGGHHH!!! That’s just creepy beyond words. Show us this card again and we’ll shut our eyes, stick our fingers in our ears and start shout-singing “LA LA LA LA LA” until you take it away.
Granted, firearms are legal in this country. Still, aren’t there better images that scream “responsible parenting” than a big, old shotgun?
Father’s Day card for Mom
Ooh, this one cuts a bit too close to the truth, doesn’t it? Suddenly the whole family will start recalling flashbacks of Dad watching TV while Mom makes dinner… Dad drinking beer while Mom mows the lawn… Dad going out to mow the lawn while Mom’s stuck inside dealing with a toddler tantrum. Come to think of it, Mom, you do deserve a second Mother’s Day.
Yes, it’s awesome that Dad has silently opened his wallet for so many years, bankrolling all the things that keep his kids happy. But this card reads like an invoice — or worse, an I.O.U.
If your Dad tries to drink this card, congratulations: You’ve managed to turn a family holiday into a family intervention.
This card doubles as a Dad’s-on-the-throne-stinking-up-the-joint warning sign and is actually pretty funny — so long as Dad doesn’t get too irritated by you making fun of his Irritable Bowel Syndrome. But what would make it a really appropriate
Father’s Day token is if it did triple duty — as an air freshener.
The tagline to this card may be “You’re a real cut-up,” but come on: Clearly by the looks of it, you are not-so-subliminally telling Pops you’d like to stab him in the back. While the family dog watches, no less.