What You Should and Shouldn’t Post on Pinterest

Now this is some helpful business right here. Have you ever tried to fold a fitted sheet? We assume you're not some primitive cave person and actually have a fitted sheet over your mattress, but trying to fold these things is like being in one of those infomercials where the lady can't tie her shoes or hang her clothes properly and proclaims, on the verge of tears, “There's gotta be a better way!”

Since no one has invented an app for this yet, someone put on their smarty pants and decided to share their knowledge wealth by providing step-by-step instructions on how to fold the sheet that you normally crumple up in a ball and shove in the corner of your closet. Your moms are going to be mega proud of you guys.

While it's fun to post little DIY projects to Pinterest and inspire others to be creative, someone needs to tell us what's so awesome about putting M&Ms in a bowl of water to use the sugary candy coating pigment as paint. Cute in theory, but would you really paint your walls with M&M water? This is like the kiddie equivalent of your bro friend who's all, “Let's put Skittles in the vodka!” Both of these things result in rainbow vomit because obviously some idiot is going to taste the rainbow a little too hard and get up close and personal with your carpet, and you know there's a kid version of that guy who thinks it's awesome to drink M&M water. And what's wrong with buying paint?

Who is going to complain about food porn? No one. We all love to eat, and we all love to look at delicious food we will never muster the energy to make for ourselves. But we can dream. Yes, we can dream. Please, continue to find and pin pictures of tasty foods. Cupcakes, pasta, brownies rolled in cookie dough and made into cakes or whatever you think will give us diabetes faster than Paula Deen can say “butter.”

Okay, it's cool to pin your favorite tasty dishes, but this is just unacceptable. Who even eats this? Food is not some wacky science experiment unless your name is Wylie Dufresne and you're bringing some straight-up whimsy to my meal. Hot dogs and spaghetti, however, is not even delightful. Is this for intestinal worm fetishists? Hey, remember that time you accidentally drank the water on your spring break trip to Tijuana (CLASS OF '03, BRAH!)? Chances are you still have PTSD and this is going to cause a stage five 'Nam-style flashback. No way, Jose. Never again.

This is sort of like the grown-up version of playing with dolls. You find the outfits and accessories you like or that you'd wear and you pin them to your little Pinterest board. It's a little self-involved, but isn't that what all social media is, anyway? Just a way for us to pretend we're being social by talking about ourselves all day. This is that, but with clothes.

Look, this is just weird. There are better ways to spend your time, and that's a loaded statement considering we're all spending so much time on the internet already and that's okay. What is not okay is pinning pictures of engagement and wedding rings.

Maybe you have a boyfriend already, and this just creates an unreasonable expectation for that guy because he'll most likely never be able to afford a diamond big enough to become sentient and eat your hand. If you don't have a boyfriend, it's kind of worse. “Here's what I hope some dude I'm not even with yet will buy me someday!” How are you planning a wedding when you aren't even in a relationship right now? You probably already bought your wedding dress, didn't you? Calm your business, woman.

Pinterest is about sharing your interests, duh. So share the things that interest you most, like movies. Like 'Drive,' starring Ryan Gosling — because who isn't interested in Ryan Gosling? Someone who is dead inside and will never know the joy of living, that's who. (Seriously, the internet would collapse without him.)

It's also fun to feel superior to your friends. You're posting images from quality films like 'Boogie Nights' and 'The Virgin Suicides' and your friends are posting fluffy romantic comedies starring Katherine Heigl because, like, her movies speak to them and stuff. Infect your friends with your good taste.

There are entire websites dedicated to this. You don't need to show your friends all the naked people and sex stuff you like. (Unless you're trying to hint to them that you want to take your relationship to the next level, in which case, there are more direct ways to do this than by flaunting your porn collection for the whole internet to see.) No one wants to see your favorite porn video clip because we all know what that implies, and no one wants to see the girl you think is the hottest because no one cares. We repeat: No. One. Cares.

Look at this classy fool right here. You are a person of refined, sophisticated taste. Beauty is subjective, so you can post any art you like. People like art. People who don't understand art like it even more because they think things they don't understand are superior to them, and the secret is that you don't really have to “get” art to like it. In fact, to “get” art is to kind of miss the point anyway. But see how much thought goes into the concept of art? Go ahead, post some art, and maybe you can have one of those old-timey conversation things your parents are always telling you about.

These posters are so annoying. Based on a poster created by the British government during World War II, people have been putting their own ridiculous platitudes on these things all over the internet. “Keep Calm and Eat a Cupcake,” “Keep Balm and Your Lips Won't Get Chapped,” “Keep Calm and Take Your Midol,” “Keep Kanye and Kim Kardash-y On.” Maybe some of those are made up, so we'll trust you to Google for factual accuracy. These posters are part of some minimalist/font-obsessed aesthetic trend that just won't die. Keep Calm and Kill This Trend Already.